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>> We're hoping that this conversation will inspire you give you some thoughts about strategies tools tips takeaways to be able to build resilience in your own life through the stories that they're going to share with you so I'm going to allow the panel is to actually introduce themselves to you and we're going to do the introduction using.

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One of the foundational questions which is share one event in your life that has tested or strengthened your resilience the most so without further ado I'm going to start on my left Ok Well hello and thank you for being here I'm pleased to have this opportunity all thought talking to you my name is Mary am.

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I'm Dean of sheller College of Business I've been here at Georgia Tech starting my 6 year it's been an amazing organization to join I have met amazing people talented smart wonderful. So that's in terms of a formal introduction prior to that I came from down the road from Emory University I have lived in Atlanta for about 18 years now so is that enough of an introduction.

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Ok so then the question was what was that one event just something you know like we all have these experiences. But. Sometimes we have one just stay on those little moments absolutely as you can tell from my accent I was not born in Georgia in the u.s. I was originally born in Iran came to the u.s. many years ago at age 17 and that's.

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That's a vent that jarred me and frankly. Established a need for me to be really resilient and help me start developing strategies about resiliency I was 17 came from a very close knit family I had never been away from my family before getting on the plane and coming and the entry point was Boston Massachusetts and the reason for that was because I had a cousin at a time that everyone back in Iran thought that he lives in Boston Massachusetts so I was coming to spend about a couple weeks with him and his family and then go to my university and at that time e-mail was not that prevalent so all of my dad's at a time thought he did the smart thing so he sent from Iran a telegram to him my flight number and my data for arrival of blah blah blah and so I'm thinking he's going to be at the airport in Boston Logan to pick me up and I had has the heavy suitcase you know all my belongings I was coming here to go to college that heavy suitcase that I could hardly move so I no wheels no mail that it was.

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Nowhere else and I come to Logan Airport and I started looking around and it was a flight. And I started looking around and I look around. I don't see my cousin and I'm looking around and I'm getting more and more anxious for get it no no cousins Ok I hardly spoke English I had this heavy suitcase to haul with me I had no idea where to go or what to do to make a long story short I managed to drag my suitcase to the airline desk and I explained you know in my not good English that I was supposed to meet my cousin blah blah blah and the man at the other side says Do you have a telephone number on an address from your cousin and I say yeah this is a telephone number and this is the address you know and he looks at it and says this is an address in Rhode Island you are in Boston Massachusetts do you know it's a different state and I say So what does that mean what am I supposed to be doing.

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Total panic you can only imagine so he says he kind of looks at me and says Ok Ok let me call your cousin. He dives up the phone and gives me. The receiver and I start talking and this man answers the phone and I'm almost seeing tears saying you know I introduced myself and I said I'm waiting for him to pick me up from the airport and they tell me you're not even in the same state you know a lot he says Your cousin is on vacation.

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I am the neighbor he and his family are on vacation I'm the neighbor and I just happen to be here to water the plants. And I heard the phone rang and I don't know what came over me and I answered understand what do I do now you know and he says.

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I have no idea at least to make a long story short on relying on the kindness of strangers I made the arrangements I just realized that I can't just be panicked in remain in this state of panic started talking to him trying to explain myself who am I what am I coming from and all that so he ended up inviting me he said get can you get to a bus station get on a bus to come to Rhode Island and I will pick you up from the bus station.

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I spent 2 days with him and his family until my cousin came and then I so I never forget that state of total panic and total sense of. I just don't know what to do I literally have nobody I don't know any wind and later on reflecting on that experience because of circumstances I had to immediate I couldn't do well in my feeder and anxiety I had to do something very quickly I don't immediately started to think about how do I do what do I do how do I get myself to Rhode Island and my cousins you know at least City and then that later on became a strategy for me that could 9 c. or negative feelings of fear and anxiety don't eat don't start feeling sorry for yourself and just immediately start thinking about solutions what can you do now and that has been a useful strategy for me but I never forget that and I sort of got hit with it at age 17 but it has served me well certainly well so that's my story.

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Are you see why she's our. Executive champion for the resilience the resource group those of. You so thank you that Howard Dean McGraw fluid thank you and like Merriam said I can't thank you all enough when I stand up in front of engineering classes the gender balance is exactly the opposite.

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First thing I noticed. So Steve MacLaughlin on the Do Not Call them engineering I've been to Georgia Tech for 23 years absolutely absolutely loved every single 2nd my wife every day she said that this morning when I lie. This morning off to the gold mine. And I feel that way every day particularly in the context of maybe some things I'm going to share it in a different way.

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So. Does anyone has anyone seen the it's just in the last week Stephen Colbert in the conversation with Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper You see that and so I decided just 10 minutes ago to kind of start where I was going to end and so Stephen Colbert said Am I grateful for the thing that I wish never happened.

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So. That really stuck I had that same that same reaction. And I think I know I'm going to answer that but maybe taking a little while to get there and I can't promise I'm going I'm going to get there because the story I'm going to tell is still pretty fresh and pretty raw and as my twin brother says We come from a long line of crying often and so I might.

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You might get to see some of that so. Almost exactly 2 years ago almost exactly 2 years to the day I interviewed for this job so I here for this job I was very proud of myself absolutely absolutely fantastic. Experience I was up against you know great great competition but I love Georgia Tech and you know whatever.

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And so my wife had waited. To go see the doctor until I finished because she knew that would be stressful and again I I'm occasionally Politically Incorrect you know I was joke my wife has p.t.s.d. pre-term Matic stress disorder you know really was a time over reacted to certain things so I went with her to the doctor.

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I had no idea what was going to happen or what why she was even there but I regularly done it in so she goes into the doctor they call or in in in literally about 20 seconds later a lightning bolt struck me. Never ever had a feeling like that ever before.

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And about 20 seconds later I heard the most horrific sound I've heard my whole life. Doctor immediately came out not even really a scream I mean just just horrific. So Dr came out and so we quickly learned that it was very likely she had a bone marrow cancer multiple myeloma.

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My wife's a nurse practitioner she knew exactly what the data was that was that was presented and of course Fred if you had that experience it just went from 0 to 60 in. You know half a 2nd and so that started. You know blur that went on 2 years ago that started and that's you know continues.

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So kind of you know it's strong to stick to a little bit of a script you know the next couple weeks I just interviewed for this position and you know that you know I have friends and places you know started tell me all that you did pretty well you know this might work out.

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And so I really panicked what am I going to do and they had the doctors that said her particular kind of cancer they actually don't treat immediately needs to progress for and so we're in this gray zone and just talk to everybody I can imagine some of folks who you might know you know just like what the heck do I do you know if I get offered this job I mean how in the world I'm ever going to do this you know 14000 students 450 faculty.

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Half a $1000000000.00 budget how in the world am I going to do this and everybody included doctor said you got to do this you got it you got it you got to take the job so. So I did and. So a couple months went by my wife fell and fractured 2 vertebrae.

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And she had to have pretty much immediate surgery and then they decided to start treat or to treat or it's of course that led to about. This is the start of 2018 this is January 2018 you know 2 surgeries 4 months of chemo. A month of stem cell harvest.

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Followed by 3 weeks in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant so that was through through July and then you know for folks who know a little bit about bone marrow transplants actually a stem cell transplant she had a something called autologous stem cell transplant where there's 0 chance of rejection that went but it's still a 6 month.

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You know kind of recovery period and so that takes us to January just a few months ago. And so I'll say just a few things I will I think really come cook pretty clear why I need to write boy I wrote some things down. You know feelings you can imagine kind of whatever the 5 stages of grief you know week cycle among them every day but the 2 most powerful feelings or just.

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Unbelievable loss of control. Unbelievable and that's why I'm like That's why I'm writing this you know we need to be in control I think the other was despite the fact that so many people reached out so many people were reached out and all that it was stifling how lonely.

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It was and still is you know how and trying to think of like where did that come from and where does the loneliness come from because you're surrounded by this love and all this help and it's really centered on. Feeling unworthy for. Because of everything that your spouse is going through because she only got what she's going through how in the world could I possibly ask for help understanding people to take care of me.

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Loneliness is stifling so. Tell to kind of funny stories so as the as the 1st 6 or 8 months of this job where I was spending almost 2 days a week at Winship. You know trying to bring it you know hold it all together almost every day standing up in front of groups of people sharing vision all these kind of things just really really extraordinarily challenging to really now somewhat fun funny things that happen I'm just really breaking down.

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Breaking down at work and one was. When I was chair of the c e 3 colleagues 33 colleagues that I hired came to me after I got tenure they're really excited I just you know. When you're a department head hiring the people that you hire you have so much affinity and affection towards their success and they came and said hey you know what do we do next and.

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I got it so good to see you and I just burst into tears. They were like. Well. They didn't think. So. Let's stop there because I mean it's just it because I'm I'm not afraid of it now I mean it's totally normal and then and then a similar thing happened with students and and actually some of the students are here and and incredibly happy that you're here.

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Because there was a group of students and we got talking about this cultural shooting and things and the aftermath and how much I cared about that was you want to do and I broke down into tears. And they were well I well. But they were also really really supportive and so I don't I don't have fear kind of around that anymore.

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I think maybe I'll just end because I feel like I've been going on a little too long here. This road you know I think. I'm going to say here I think you know I'm not a person of strong faith in the traditional definition of faith really tied to religion.

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But the fact that these 2 things happened at the in the same week like at the pinnacle of my professional career and. Getting the worst possible news you could ever imagine. I have enough faith to find the good that those are tied together I know that I know those things happen for a reason and I'm now here to do something about it.

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So. I think I'll end with kind of points of clarity. Total clarity around what caregivers face probably pretty obvious. So it's a nightmare. I think kind of the lack of control for me you know total unbelievable lack of control. Because I've been in the pause I ran into a friend of mine former student a very very close friend about 6 months before all this happened I was I was kind of in a blue mood how you know you know how you should start meditating Here's a meditation app and again kind of I know that happened for a reason because I started to meditate for 6 months before I was and I was in a better place not a perfect place.

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But the but the clarity is that obviously there are so there's no quote roll tide to the past there's no control tied to the future. There's really now and for the 1st time ever in my whole life 100 percent focused on the now. And finally it's really the reason I agreed to do this is because I know.

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A little pitch for something that's also about to come in that when one of the transformative narratives if you're from there or that one of mine is just about to post on a completely different topic my son. I know that part of that really the the muscle that I need to develop most is courage.

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And so that's why I'm here. Thank you so much for sharing this very. Very painful. Powerful story thank you. Dr Harrington from there you're ready and. Good afternoon everyone. My name is Kim Harrington I am the chief human resources officer here in Georgia Tech I've been a door to tech for about 18 years 4 of those have been in human resources prior to that I lived a life focused on the student experience and so I took a bit of a turn and like so the story that I think I'd like to share it is.

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Well let me answer the question and read the question and answer it Ok. When even in your life that is tested a strength in your resilience the most. When of in my life that is tested my resilience has been the last 375 days. Realized. The event that is strength in my was in the interest probably So you have a cousin had a cousin you know there's a one family member that you just connect with right and so for me was my cousin David David and David is for what was 4 years older than me and I look back on family pictures where every day that was what was right and so we grew up together our fathers our brothers and we I mean went through our teen years together all of that David mood while I was in undergrad David moved to St Louis and so we keep in touch with family gatherings and then for a while David just coming home we would still can.

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Medicaid but he stopped coming home but then there was a lot of kind of hub bub in my family and I wasn't quite sure what was going on and I think it's. Ok but I'm homeless Kims and I will ask what does that mean David was diagnosed with full blown Aids.

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And this was in the ninety's and so and David said I refuse to come home let's let's go through this together he said I refused a couple of families going to religious that one understand me they won't manage it this is not and I said let's make a deal at the time I was.

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Living away from home I said I come home you come home we walk this together so we come to work that and we did that the day we came home I moved home and we lived a life of hospitals and sickness and I know more about that immune deficiency then I ever imagined I would.

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And so just walking that that is it's been it was interesting so David lived for probably about 9 months and we walked it together every day of it I was taking a new job and David was you know he spent a lot of time ago they said I'll tell you this Harrington when that my quality of life can no longer be the quality of life that I want I'm going to stop a message Come on we can get through this we can you know he was like I'm telling you that so that time came he said I was traveling I said I'm going to be away for 2 weeks he called me said if I don't take dialysis I'll have 2 weeks to live.

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In a car. I said Can you hang on for 2 weeks and he said I'm a do my best to use them with Harrington to write I do my best. And so I was scheduled to come back on a my 2 weeks were up on a Friday they have a call me on a wins dance that I'm not gonna make.

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It's going to other side. I came home. I didn't go where David was didn't go to my uncle's house my family said we don't want to seem like this we want you to just kind of remember him as you did in your memories I couldn't sit so I went to the house he was you know not really responsive and the nurse so I went and saw him and went to the kitchen and sat down and the nurse said who just walked in he should have been dead 48 hours ago.

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But his is whoever just came in that door his vitals changed he stirred so you've got to get whoever just came in here. And so my aunt was like David m. I was so you know and I had no idea what was going on really so I walk in and really release him and say it's Ok I'm here you can go.

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20 minutes later they were time. And I think that strengthened me. Because I learned so much about the value of life and connection and family. And how he weighed it. And then wanted to. But it was some years later and I carry him with me all day funny story about David before he came to stay with me in my apartment for a while and there was a he began speaking in 3rd person David hungry David sleeping.

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At the table what I began calling because I thought he was going through some type of dementia something was going on because he began he would only talk to me another person. David was adopting Elmo speak for whatever reason right he just thought it was funny and so then we went out and we bought some Elmo dolls right and so Elmo became our thing so no one knows us but I have a tattoo of Elmo.

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The as a not to my cousin so when David passed on I put Elmo on me to carry him with me. So that gives me kind of that reason is doable. So. We learn a lot. There are challenges we grow through what we go through. So now I want to turn it to the questions from you the ones that you submitted in advance.

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So I will start with Steve for this question. The question is during times of personal struggle in what ways have you maintain your position as a leader and also lead on your peers or members of your team. It's probably another coincidence of sorts in that kind of about a year before everything all this happened.

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I don't figure out well I'm going to be I'm going to be leading even more people so I should subscribe to some leadership the loss of reading some books and people maybe maybe no one of our limbs names Bill George you know Bill George. He's a leadership. One of the one of the greatest minds in leadership and he talks about authentic leadership.

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Really kind of leading from personal experience all the talk 1st about acute self-awareness. That's the place to start is absolutely acute self-awareness and. Because of other things that happen in my life I've spent a lot of time becoming acutely self-aware. Put several people's kids through college through through that self-awareness.

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And. And so really it really felt good about that as a style as a leadership style like starting from self-awareness and and leading from personal experience and just being purely authentic and so I think I never really I never really was afraid of telling a handful of people my team and I knew that I knew that I could lean on all of them even folks I wasn't necessarily close to.

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And leaned really early hard and you know how people say this let me know if I can do something you know and that's almost always followed by them leaving you know. They're just as fast as they can you know as their way of feeling Ok you know that I did my part but you know some people really mean it.

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And and so the natural inclination is really not to lean on them and you really learn real and so I did I lean really heavily on several. And. You know just let it all hang out. And I'll say you know why this is the one always gets choked up you know but Peterson who is not a hugger you know when I share with him he gave me a huge hug and he said.

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If you're ever about to give a speech. You've got my phone number even if it's 10 minutes before you stand up before anybody. I'll stand in. I knew he meant it and anybody who knows him you know really meant it and so people in those small ways in an opera in an unpredictable times and places really do mean it and leaning on them was was was hard the 1st time and then when they delivered it was really really easy and gave up a lot to a handful of people that were always there to to step in the so just I guess.

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Off authenticity just not being afraid just to just to let it all hang out for you know to a few people who just were always always there. Thank you it's there in that sometimes pride and ego can really. Sort of interrupt our healing process because we're not open to receive the support that we need you know it's one thing to go seek support there's another part receive it it's really powerful.

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So the next question for Miriam How do avoid cynic and anxiety shake off the negative energy you talked a little bit about your opening story. During reconstruction of of self belief and self realization so sometimes these jarring events can cause us to question ourselves our competence our worth.

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That that voice how do you quiet that voice of a city the cynic. Or the anxiety that is a natural part of a an event that happens. I think what I have learned in myself than for helping others in situations like that is acknowledging the feelings on it don't try to suppress it you know if you're sad if you're angry if you're anxious if you are disappointed if you are discouraged you know I'm angry I'm sad I'm discouraged whatever.

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And just acknowledging them and. Owning them somehow takes the sharp edge off of Ok I'm scared Ok so what he go do now it naturally or I'm angry Ok how do you deal with that anger Ok. So OD'ing the negative feelings in oneself recognizing them in one sense others like knowledge ing them helps a lot.

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And then immediately So almost like a built in thing in people at these so I feel that you immediately say Ok what am I going to do next I'm going to deal with that so that immediately gets you to look at the next steps. And that's a healthy thing any time that I have tried to suppress my feeling I shouldn't feel this way I shouldn't be afraid I shouldn't be I shouldn't be this and that it just gets worse.

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So the idea of owning recognizing these negative feelings in oneself and owning them and recognizing it in others and empathizing with it. You know not telling it well you shouldn't be angry you shouldn't be scared and I have to remind me of doing that not to do that to my daughter you know it's like.

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Do you know why you're anxious you should have a sick Stop stop I can see your anxious yeah Ok yeah it is for whatever reason even if I think she shouldn't be don't say that because she others are truly feeling that don't do their feelings you cannot deny other people's feelings because that's a very personal thing so once those feelings are acknowledged you naturally start moving Ok how do I do with you what do I do next and that's where you start getting coming on the other side of these type of things.

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That's really good advice and it prepares you to be open to receive exactly support you once you acknowledge that but I also love what you said about you know not just jumping into the what next without processing the emotion because you can get busy and sometimes we use business to numb to it or a deny or push a solid feelings that are very uncomfortable and we all have them if one is a human being one has those feelings so that it comes out at some point in some form in later on in yeah yeah thank you for sharing that's very good advise Kim This question is about compassion how does compassion affect your leadership and when and where do you draw the line from compassion is really a major element of think of me personally and I can't separate me and who I am at the costs and what I do right and so when you think about human resources.

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Every interaction with human resources is emotional. Every single time in my team members are here and we talk about that all the time when someone approaches h.r. it could be for good reason still some emotion How's my paycheck coming along or it could be a situation that you're trying to manage or it's about benefit so there's always something emotional there and so I think it's important to acknowledge that and recognize that and sometimes there's some exile you surrounding let him be able to really hear listen and spend some time making sure that you understand what people are going through that is critical and it doesn't just mean those that are experiencing human resources it's also the right it's a lot of pressure on the team that is here now or the team and I'm not going to put them on Out Front Street but they managed employee relations concerns right and so all day this team is dealing with concerns and issues and things that come across their desk and so want to recognize and acknowledge that support them because they don't necessarily see the.

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The upside of things no one's telling them thank you for your work thank you for your time and so that's my job right as a manager to really encourage and support them and say I appreciate I recognize you and sometimes I think that compassion has to really not just work but just.

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Anywhere I when I fly my friends hate this but I have to talk to the person next to me because you never know what they're going through right out everyone's managing something and so really just taking the time to kind of for me get out of myself some time and spend some time get in Know someone else is really critical to success.

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Just that compassion just taking that time with acknowledging it's not just my lands and what I have what about someone else and how can we help them I believe in purpose I believe that what you go through really can help somebody else will be willing to share and be vulnerable really can assist somebody else and what they're going to.

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Default from an expression of compassion is that sharing you know and if it is right out about before Thank you. Is there a limit Absolutely. And I know my mom told me when I was defending him yes I said I'm giving in and sometimes people can take that kind of what we see right and so there is a limit when sometimes people will take advantage and I think it gets into self-awareness as you talked about but also self-preservation to the point what's it going to someone else but you have to display self care and know when it's important for you to take care of you and in some situations even with friends that I realize that.

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I can support you would love you and care for you but I made him to do that from a distance. Because there's some bond trees there and I think it's important to have some healthy boundaries. And that may be difficult. Not easy but necessary. And so there are some limits but you know.

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It's funny you just said something that triggered something that I think about all the time don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Right yes because that that that sometimes people do that they just. It's unfortunate and I think and I would never want to develop a callousness. Against someone else but I think it just it's important for us to know him recognize that and then maybe pivot sometimes and it's also a reminder that.

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Kindness could be a week you know hang in there don't let's go are those times when. It's not the right it's not the right reaction that's right and you talked about acute self awareness as a part of sometimes I mean it's really important for everyone for all of us to be self-aware and there are times that there are some individuals that absolutely have no self-awareness no self-awareness we don't know anybody like bed you know.

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And it doesn't matter how supportive one client you are they just. You know so that come that you need to stop at a point yes level that's right get the metaphor I think of is the throwing someone a life or you know if you see someone in the river drowning even it doesn't matter how strong of a swimmer you are when someone is fighting for their life they will take you down even if it's not on purpose so I have a saying that I write I would dry erase marker on my mirror not at my own expense.

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It's a good life I'm not going to walk past you if you're flailing your arms and about to go down I'll throw you something. But if I jump in I have to do it with the knowledge and that I risk my own life. And that's a that's a question it's a discernment you have to make on a case by case basis right.

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And figure out from this each circumstance is different you know. I mean in full transparency. For the folks that are either sole or caregivers. I'm not proud but right yeah absolutely questions right where am I in that where is there room for me. I'm not going to go down with you.

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Well we can't do anything for those we love and care for if we're not well ourselves that's right especially as a caregiver right I think it's important as a caregiver is critically important for you to have some time to to because you can't pour from him right and so for whatever that takes its time and that's where the support of network and others that can put in the system and support she went under girl Jews really critically important so you can be there and be the best you.

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As you given that care. Yeah. When my husband was end of life I was in the hospital with him and he was 6 weeks there and I had been maybe 3 weeks bedside not leaving the room because I was terrified of the incompetence around him but my girlfriend came over there and she said you need to go take a shower like for real.

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You know what because nobody's going in this room. I mean this is so powerful you know yeah and allow her to for you to hear that and go take a shower because that's trust right because when you speak to the incompetence around him you were there because you wanted to be his voice you wanted to make sure these well can't forget but it's important to trust somebody just enough to say to stand in your stead and that was the fastest shower I ever to I'm going to get back.

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Right my goodness this is. So Steve how do you make decisions that are difficult but necessary Here's an example whether a longtime employee who is performing poorly should be terminated. I mean. There's difficult decisions a difficult discussions conversations happen every single day that's I think. That's one of the one of.

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The part my job is to have those difficult conversations ever single to try to think of. 2 already today you know before this. And you know there are varying degrees of but it's really you know so there's there's varying degrees and I think you get you get used to it I think it used to it in a good way meaning.

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Going to gather the data got to have information gather that come in be clear be transparent. So you know that's you know for me those those are the basics. But I think it goes back to some things that Kim said in almost all those you know it's really someone's angry someone's fearful someone's whatever and it's really they just they really want to talk and so that almost always has to you know that difficult conversation allows necessitates that person to just let them talk let them talk and talk about that to marry and just just let them talk and that almost always.

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Then the many times that's enough that's enough I have I mean on really you know other end where it where it's really clear that someone does need to be terminated again kind of gathering data talking to people. To make sure you get all right you know and have all of your you know and it it's brutal only had to do it a couple times and it's it was 9 years ago the one that I can remember and it still gnaws at me even though you just know that it was the right thing to do I just you know just know that it was the right thing to do but it still gnaws at me.

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All the time. So whether that's questioning isn't there something we could've done that we should have done or we're helping enough or what was the really get to the underlying base were there to support that person or we just fed up. Those are there yeah those are those are those are brutal brutal but in the moment.

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We get help you know and. You know that. That's probably in the end that because we do have a process that we need to be compliant to we were at 0 risk in all that I get it. But that kind of. Effectively try to get this over as fast as possible and get out you know is probably what lingers you know that's that's the core of what of what an office that So it's it's incredibly difficult.

[00:44:08]
How much of that I mean your compassion the empathy you have that powerful spirit of you as a person and as of a leader. You know really attributes to why it bothers you I mean when it doesn't bother you anymore then you know maybe it's not the right fit Yeah you know I'm you know.

[00:44:30]
I'm an engineer and I'm reasonably logical most of the time right and so that takes over right you know this is the right thing to do it's just so that kind of takes over in the moment and. You know the compassion part you know what it was at the angel on your shoulder something that was not really there in that moment you know it it comes back pretty darn quick but it's you know you have to stay in the moment and it's not easy so if I may add a little bit to that I think compassion of course is important but it gets to the point that you also need to have compassion for people that are around right they need to enjoy.

[00:45:12]
And call that this one particular individual might be packed and get their body if they want that. And so it should be always putting context of its. Impact on others that you know if a person for example is not doing his or her job. Or you know despite your efforts to help them and train them and develop them they're still not doing the job for whatever reason then everybody else around them has to pull more has to do more and Ok for a while it's Ok we can all be compassionate but at a point you just have to stop that I've also found that some sometimes the best expression of compassion is to release someone from a circumstance or situation it's not the right fit for them I mean how often have we stayed in a situation that doesn't feel good to our spirit because it's comfortable or it's familiar or it's necessary and to be released whether it's by our own choice or someone else forcing our eye and we find that actually allowed us to find and connect to something that is a much better fit and more intended to our life's purpose.

[00:46:30]
So I think that's another part of that compassion. You know terminating someone is never ever ever easy or fun you know to deny his point and to deal with as well well also have to recognize as leaders we have a responsibility to the institute. To make sure that our decisions and that we're leading the institute in the way that it needs to go in this we have a challenge in that space it's our responsibility to make sure we manage that and continue to advance our units so that peace I also believe that individuals.

[00:47:05]
This helps me often fire themselves. And so we're not and so it's behaviors it's actions of souls type of things it's our jobs leaders to walk through and provide guidance and and support and development opportunities and feedback to correct that action and so even a pip is a performance improvement plan the goal there is to improve that because we want to retain employees but if someone is not taking those actions that's they themselves are placing themselves in a situation I think that's relevant in our personal lives as well you know people can fire themselves from being in our circles right based on their behavior has been there for actions that has collapsed it's up to as my Angela said when someone shows you who they are Leave them they all know that would.

[00:48:01]
Leave them Ok Kim this next one is for you this is a good one they're all good but I like this one particularly far as I can tell being an adult doesn't automatically make you self-assured or all knowing Are there key actions or thoughts that have consistently helped you through the tough spots.

[00:48:23]
That's good I think. You know to Steve's point about self-awareness knowing who you are and I think also knowing who's I am and so I'm grounded in a couple things one my faith and my family right I think I think no matter what happens because and my friendships too so I have a my best friend we have a saying that's come what may and what that means it doesn't matter what happens heck or how water we're together we're going to manage it together so knowing that I have a support system that whatever way the wind blows I have some roots that are grounded that is a triac and swing and still be grounded and know that I have some support and is not easy.

[00:49:08]
Right and I've had to lean in Atlanta couple times in and hold on in but I think that that is what has helped me get through and I think you're right you know turning 18 or 20 I want to whatever you define as adulthood you know for me adult who was watching them lower my mom in the ground.

[00:49:26]
That's when I grew up at 38 because I realized that the I didn't have that person to lean on any more so I had to do some things on my own and I think at that point really truly figure out who I was what mattered to me what my values what a mob willing to stand up for what I might not willing to do where does my integrity come from and so being able to articulate that and own that and say it out loud without.

[00:49:55]
Fear. It wasn't easy right but getting there and not easy I'm 52 still a journey. I don't know that I've quite grown up yet you know. But I think that it's just kind of really that faith that family and my friendships have given me that ground. You know.

[00:50:18]
I didn't interrupt you to no avail. So Merriam can maybe relate to this the you know we interact a lot with faculty that are all 100 percent self-assured and all knowing. And it's so. You know again just to be like to be totally honest the last 2 years have had me.

[00:50:48]
And we've even worked together on some of this around. The the what's in my head is I have absolutely no tolerance for this. I know that where that's where there's arrogance or cockiness or cluelessness around themselves and selfishness and all the stuff that we see not not a lot but enough.

[00:51:17]
My tolerance and patience for that is about 0. But yet I have to listen. Have to listen and ultimately make the right decision right like. Ok Steve cool off. Take some deep breaths you know but I think again. I'm still kind of in that place of that. You know when arrogance comes in or or or or or.

[00:51:53]
You know what I'm struggling for the word you know but that they expect something from the world in title minute exactly that if you get your entitlement just like. You know patience right now for that. That to myself a quick story if I may share. Henry Kissinger was the.

[00:52:18]
Secretary of State in the us and he negotiated peace between Israel and Egypt right and they asked him they kept asking well Dr Kissinger hunt you do that how could you do that when did you know her not to be able to bring pieces together and people that you know people to want to gather and all that and he said remember I used to be a dean at and I can tell.

[00:52:44]
I'm. Going. And. Also triggered the Woodrow Wilson he was president Princeton right as he was become president us and he was glad to be moving to Washington to get away from the politics. But. I don't remember that. Next question is from Miriam if you could have a conversation with your past self at age 30.

[00:53:20]
What would be some advice you would give That's a good one knowing what I know now yes. That's a great question and. I think what I would say would be to myself of course. Good enough is good enough. Perfection is not necessary. You know and I kind of see that I've course I'm thinking back about my own behavior I've observed that in my adult daughter I have observed that in a lot of my female graduate students and doctoral students so I think women go or tend to go most women for perfection so for example if there is a job my daughter was looking for after graduation looking for jobs 2 years ago so the job requirements.

[00:54:20]
Of course job requirements to ask for everything they say should walk on water right and so I would say Ok I'm Ok my God I don't know what this I don't know but that I'm not going to apply so I'm Tim's she felt in her mind that she can fulfill 120 percent of the job requirements you wouldn't want to put her hand up for it and let the guys do usually I can do it is 50 per cent.

[00:54:51]
Good enough is good enough and nerdy don't need to know everything before hand what is important is knowing how to learn and pay attention and war card and be conscientious us so that's one thing I would tell myself don't wait to be everything being perfect before you take more risk it's Ok so that's what I would tell myself.

[00:55:13]
There reminds me of something I learned at Pride. Last year on the psychology of happiness and they talked about some techniques to kind of end your day sort of feeling good about this idea of I do enough I've done enough I am enough it is just enough and I was in this pattern of every night I would have my 5 goals and my 5 behaviors that I want to do every day and I'd check them off and then I would let men and I couldn't go to sleep because I only did 3 of the 5 and you know it was Friday and I didn't do all my behaviors all the week and so I went to this class and they taught me this technique and so I went in and they were erased all my goals and I put 2 questions on my my mirror that I answer every night one is what is one thing that you're grateful for today and the other is one thing that you're proud of today just one thing.

[00:56:15]
I need to do 25 things a week consistently but just one is the nuff. Good enough it's good enough just remember I love it that it have it all right this is for Steve can you give an example of how you handled or currently handling one of the following scenarios managing fear yet asking people to overcome their fears and become more open so you've got it inside yourself but you're having to deal with it but everyone else or exploring the fear of understanding fear the fear of fear or gaining credibility for attempts to change your leadership style when you're not comfortable so you can pick one of those 3 or take all 3 of.

[00:57:05]
You I mean a whole bunch of different thoughts I mean I think. Actually where I ended my short thing. When I saw that question for the 1st time over you know addressing fear it I made it Lee thought to myself you know myself addressing my own fears and that's a plug for the transformative voices because my thing is all about my fear.

[00:57:31]
So I'm not going to have people read that but I think the last thing I said was. Developing more courage just just just working on on courage and really around saying something stupid. You know. And so so for myself I mean I think the other you know. Fear and anger sometimes go together and so we see a lot of anger I see a lot of anger in daily interactions with like you said when someone comes.

[00:58:11]
Not always anger but there's energy there's energy anxiety and I would say if you end up in my office you did something really good or really bad like the principal you know you were thank you. And so. So it's just you know it's all stuff we just repeat what we said before getting people to talk you know just getting people to talk and letting them talk and after they've talked and just say it's a more you know and encourage them to just keep talking and.

[00:58:44]
So. You know that you know I think that's the thought. I'm sorry because I have what I have in my head is the 30 year old question so I'm sorry but what I've done I. Take it in and the. You know it's just I would say the 3rd advice I'd give the 30 year old me is is balance better balance better life balance you know just.

[00:59:18]
I'm lucky I love what it is I do I love what it is I do but I know that it also feeds me in healthy and unhealthy ways you know so you know much much much better balance and that's that's like what today is all about you know I mean today here I mean in what's where we are at home it's all about balance right now being in the present balance think that.

[00:59:46]
Police. Are all died out and it's often the 30 year old crisis and I think 2 ways I'd probably tell them to have more fun and I think I lived a very I was you know. Only child. Driven wanted to I think I lived to make my parents proud.

[01:00:07]
And so I really didn't it wasn't as risky you know is that as it may be. Could have been and so I think 2 things one have more fun enjoy life and also know that it will be Ok. Well everything I think understanding now that I am where I'm supposed to be right now everything that is for me I will have.

[01:00:28]
The way it's supposed to be so those things. You. Write this is the last question from the audience and then we'll open it up for live questions so Kim. How do you feel that the current political climate impacts human resources field specifically here at Georgia Tech. So I'm going to talk about 2 things One is the car and when you say political I'm going to say political politics nationally big the little right I'm assuming so I'm going to say a big Right right and so the religious 2 things that kind of jump to the top of my head One is the current stance on immigration one Muslim band and so understanding how that impacts our foreign nationals that are here their inability to you know there's individuals who can't or.

[01:01:25]
Won't are unable to come to campus and other individuals who who may not be able to go home and so when this you know when those policies began to shift we were I literally was watching. I had President Trump's tweets come into my phone because as you know Georgia Tech has a government relations office right and so Robert knots is on the ground in d.c. and Robert was saying that his team they were receiving briefings via text as well and so things were changing very quickly and still and sold the immigration policies in those policies related to really have significant impact and I believe you would agree with me about you know what's happening at tech So that's one another one is there's some.

[01:02:11]
Pending legislation about that on the time. And what that could look like on a campus and how. Individuals would have may have to confront their accuser and so all of that really significant just off the top of my head those are the 2 that we do with pretty much every day.

[01:02:33]
There are others but those are the top 2 that I can think of I'll talk about a little pity. Because of because the conversation. This morning we're about some related to a little piece you know after the ethics failings of some folks there's just been a lot of backlash around that ethics point kind of going crazy and we're.

[01:03:01]
Working through a bunch of those faculty member colleague and kind of friend you maybe saw was just pled guilty to a federal crime and is going to be sentenced in a couple weeks. And the general sense I'm sure I know a faculty I'm sure everyone else on campuses what is Georgia Tech going to throw me under the bus you know and.

[01:03:26]
You know the littlest thing that I might do unintentionally or the company I might start or the how I interact with the student or conflict with whatever it is the Georgia Tech is just ready to pounce because we have a lot of examples of that and I think.

[01:03:46]
That I'm acutely aware of our need to really tend to that. Cause I think that is one of the biggest little pieces on campus right now is just. A sense. Of trust lack of trust with you know to lack of trust and fear around those things which affects productivity because you know resistant reluctant to lean in too far if you're afraid fair making decisions.

[01:04:20]
That some context to Steve's point in 20. 17 And the age are 2 years so there are at this point has a number of 2 years as an academic year it's a student here there's a financier there's an agent 2017 total number of at this point that came through complaints or issues that came through or 47.

[01:04:43]
28293. And all. Complaints and issues don't necessarily come through at this point as well so the so just so your point I mean it is and I think you're right there is. Unsustainable climate. At the Institute right now everyone is in this really big self-preservation and I think that is being fed by some fear and anxiety of the unknown when you couple.

[01:05:19]
The leadership transition based on ethical challenges they're a little workday uncertain about what that means for my job at a little c.m. and they're not sure what that means for me and then there's the interim leadership and a new president coming on board color a little bit a car yeah a little bit right that is a perfect storm.

[01:05:42]
In a way and I think it takes conversations like this what I've. Heard of my colleagues here is courage. You talked about meeting courage sir you are the epitome of it to me. And I think being able to be vulnerable and open and say that it's Ok that I need you we can do this together because I think people take something that someone does and say I you know what we don't give each other the benefit of the doubt we don't assume the good.

[01:06:17]
And I think it will take us having some real honest conversation top down all the way through to transition that we didn't get here and a little while we won't move back from a but we need to move together as a team because the little piece stuff is huge but.

[01:06:37]
I see people leaving the institute at an exit interview with someone today rarely do people we tell to me directly for an exit interview someone to me and that is that I need to talk to you I don't trust anybody else I need to talk to you talk to this young woman for about 30 minutes as she described her situation in her and her unit.

[01:06:58]
Challenging. We can fix it but it takes all of us to fix it. And it'll be. Right we've got about 11 minutes left I'm going to is this the microphone that I should use for Ok so I'm going to ask you if you have a question to ask it in the mix so we can make sure to record it anybody have any questions or comments anything you want to add or share.

[01:07:35]
There she goes. So I think you won't hear it in the room but there is I feel like this is the elephant in the room so if you don't want to answer you don't have to but how is your wife doing as my wife Yeah I'm sorry for the so the.

[01:07:55]
So she's she's in full remission so we just passed one year just. Just past when you're post transplant and we got you know. Kind of kind of get through that the the therapy that she had is really horrific it's a horrific treatment and so there's a handful of.

[01:08:25]
We had hoped our. You know side effects that would go away that are that are that are still around and limiting in. You know the. Thank you all for clapping you know and but usually when people you know it's we go through the 5 stages of grief 4 or 5 times a day in our house you know and so it's you clap because you cared and it's a relief and it's still present every single day and I spent 2 half mornings at Winship this week you know and you know that go back to the entitled folks that's in my head.

[01:09:11]
Go over there. For 10 minutes. Get out of my office and spend 10 minutes there. But the thought still they're still there but I will leave on a positive there is increasing room for true joy for real true authentic joy. There are lot of them for that so thank you for that Katie Dr McLaughlin Hello I'm over here I'm the recorder but I was really.

[01:09:44]
Moved in affected by your discussion I've lost 2 family members to multiple myeloma my mom being the most recent one in October. I have just traveled your path for the last 10 years and it really I was I was feeling your emotion I don't necessarily have question but I just wanted to let you know that I've just been through this.

[01:10:10]
And I know what you meant about leaning on people and being vulnerable and you know I just my heart is with you when your wife and you know I just wanted to share that with you and we need like a support group because I think there's a few people campus that are dealing with this but are thank you for sharing our 50 people right now less than 5 miles from here are all having bone marrow transplants tied to my woman in one photo and it's like.

[01:10:41]
It's right here. Thank you for sharing it. Here and then on here. We have all these wonderful students who have just shown up on our campus all these new ones right and what do you want them to know about resilience as it relates to their journey at Georgia Tech.

[01:11:12]
So it's to me or a very Ok. Yeah I mean there's a there's a lot of conversation around that right now right because you know this generation you know stuff in you know the stress and mental health kind of challenges that our students their students have and you know what I stand and talk to faculty about because we're just where is our strategic plan our strategic plan about half of it will be addressing issues around community and student health and well being and how we better educate our students in this in this vein and so.

[01:11:51]
But still. Uncomfortable a large number of our I can pick up the faculty probably less in our community as a whole beyond our faculty they're still kind of put that group as you know this generation the snowflakes or already taken too much a.d.h. the medication kind of you know they're still way too much of that in our community and so it's not just us those who talk about it I know the new president talking about it we're talk about instant communication there's we're doing better around that and so so we're going to get a lot better around that and so resilience needs to be need to be part of that and a lot of universities are kind of talking to specifically around resilience you know and.

[01:12:43]
Honestly I'm not aware of programming that we have specifically focused on resilience pursuit but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist I mean you know the ecosystem around wellness and wellbeing and mental health and stress and all those kind of things but you know the new safe center you know.

[01:13:01]
I heard from on the 1st day there were 40 students that showed up on the 1st day of class there. Can. I'm sorry Carol thank you. Right so it's out there you know maybe someone knows more about specifically for resilience what we're doing her students I'm not aware of it but we are trying to do the whole thing so we do have a program that we've delivered to students you see actually last year last academic year on resilience and we'll be proposing a mini master course on resilience as well also Also we have a question here and then we'll go to the other side of the room I had one question and one comment as well I'm a 2nd year engineering student and 1st just a combination to say I started last year in engineering and I absolutely loved it the College of Engineering has been super impressed super impressive My older brother stayed at Purdue which is another great university but my whole family came to Georgia Tech and to the engineering college and they were like wow this is even better than Purdue.

[01:14:08]
Just just like getting to know him and you know you hear from me but hearing from you it just to me makes your leadership that much more impressive and I want to say thank you for sharing you know hearing from people you look up to really means a lot to people who are thinking about those things so thank you.

[01:14:26]
But then the question I had is for all 3 of you. You know I'm from Iowa which is very Midwestern very much a Norwegian Lutheran area and from the south of learned a lot and one of the things that one of the things that I've heard about and used you mentioned this somewhat was my question is When is the right approach for resiliency this sort of like internal courage and just moving on from a problem or working with others and when is it the pursuit of justice right because oftentimes you know when you are slighted or there is a problem.

[01:15:04]
Working towards a just a good solution through a system can be a very sustainable and the right thing to do but then there's other times in which it seems like people can. Take a problem to another level in which it could have been solved either on a one on one or just more personal resolve I'm moving past that problem so I was interested is there a time in your life you've experienced both of those things and how do you see that now on the university level.

[01:15:35]
So. Maybe try to answer a question from from the personal place not my personal place but you know as if you know individual kind of in this debate and I have to kind of. Feel like I'm repeating kind of said before you know the connection of self-awareness and often authenticity you know where those or those come by you know trust yourself.

[01:16:01]
Trust yourself so. And you know don't don't be afraid don't be afraid if it turns out you know if it turns out you're pushing in a direction the really is not the right direction to push you know you'll figure that out they'll get it hopefully hopefully you'll get enough feedback.

[01:16:23]
And your self aware enough to recognize you know what but I mean I think I think. I have no fear. Steve said truth when he said for sure I think there are times where you may want to push depending on the situation where I've had conversations that were one on one to try to manage that and said maybe there's a maybe there's a miscommunication here you know can we have that conversation and there are other times where I may need to check myself I'm self aware but I may need to say Help me understand this right and it's even if you're to go shooting something it's it's Ok to bring in others appropriately to kind of work through some things and then there are systems in place to help manage things through mediation through consultation through conversations through as you indicate kind of adjust the system I think it's always important to at least try that face to face can we have this conversation and then if that doesn't work there are resources to support you in that I think trusting yourself annoying kind of where you are and your limits are really important as well.

[01:17:29]
Just very quickly would like to add to that I think. The basis for every any kind of resilience personal growth is that self awareness for example if one knows oneself Well you know your trigger points you know under what circumstances you over react you know under what circumstances you pull back and then that self knowledge is gonna really help you to manage the situation.

[01:17:59]
I only have one child and she is the one that can push my lot who like you know nobody else you know so but I know I know what I know what she can do and I know which buttons there are so the minute I want to restrict activities like Ok Ok you're you know you're going to overreact calm down calm down and that really helps me that for me personally self awareness and self knowledge has been really the base and the key for resilience for being able to work and lead others because he can't just predict it cannot control or predict others but you can do that for yourself.

[01:18:42]
You know when to trust yourself in terms of your intuition in terms of what you can figure out quickly so you don't waste your time and you know what are the areas that you're not that good and you overreact or under react or need some other people's health and that helps you to be able to navigate difficult situation that are.

[01:19:03]
Being honest with yourself to your point knowing the situations that you plan of which is. Why I think it's important I know my limits know what I'm good at I know what I'm horrible at I've also identified who in my life or who are around can provide the balance that I can't there's a skill that they have that I don't have leverage at all day but that's takes being honest with yourself so we have time for one more question I know we had one over here that was waiting.

[01:19:35]
Ok did you want to take a question. 1st of all I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your experiences have been very powerful. Steve and I hear your brain I lost my mom when I was 15 years on to do cancer so what you describe is exactly that he says cycle thank you thank you for sharing that but I one thing I wanted to say when talking about it right c n c I had learned to that to a very young age mean 15 of having my mom having to raise my sister who was 5 says I You become self I were off yourself in a way right they say all of these things happening right and you only see 2 ation having to move forward.

[01:20:21]
And he's like I learned so much about myself and all the things that were important to me when I was 15 so in a way I mean it was a tragic loss but in some way right I learned through the years and that's why I became a social worker no wonder why because my mom how does social worker in her life when she was going through than I She was complaining about how much the social worker was focusing on only on the finances so my mom was like.

[01:20:52]
I wonder why she's not talking with everyone in the family so we didn't know was wholly known we are from a culture Argentina that he said based on Talk of that to the kids so we didn't know that she was not a sake. So Lisa need to all those things us at the nature then I became a social worker to help others and be the person to make any friends because I didn't have that but one of the things that I found very powerful and they use that every single day is getting to know the people that I that are around me in any situation to work because we're all we're all b.c..

[01:21:31]
Right we are we have so many things to do about it we have so many one of you mentioned right everyone is fighting a battle right and we have no idea and many times the people that you see the happiest ones are the ones that are facing probably the most difficult situations in their lives so I found myself to have that goal and he so powerful but to ask how are you today or tell me something.

[01:21:58]
People crying just for asking the question how are you today because I know that I mean that it's not like how are you sometimes i said i joke is that really do you have time you have 15 minutes at least because I can tell you or your one way the polite answer that one that I learned for the books.

[01:22:17]
But I think that he's powerful and working from families and I work a lot. As a social worker any known color in heart transplant going through that process every single day looking also at the people at the family because many times working with children who are sick and then their parents asking them how are you today of course they would cry because they're like no one asked me that question and I'm here every single day with a child right so it's like always looking at this the stem and everyone and reaching out and be there be there many times.

[01:22:54]
Because I know you also know that question all let me know if you need anything. Sometimes I just needed to be here just show up and be with me and feel this pain because when you're going through that he's everything stops in your life and you feel and you look around there we want to go through their lies and things are moving.

[01:23:15]
You feel stuck and you feel like in everything to run the new movie and you're only deletion So you reaching out to our peers and calling leaks and really asking the question Who are you and waiting for the answer thank you so much for that that's very powerful Thank you I think one of the common themes that I heard is the power of listening really listening with empathy with compassion we heard it here we just heard it so I want to thank all of you especially want to thank the panel if you could please join me and thank you.

[01:23:57]
Thank you to all of you for being here for submitting some really powerful questions in advance I want to thank the resilience leadership team for their efforts to bring us together and please look forward to more information we'll be updating our website soon with next month's event which is the collaborative reading event and then we have the flyer building resilience that are moving to a new country which is a partnership with a law and Jorge but I go on and so the collaborative reading is also a collaboration with the women's So we're really working to kind of bridge the gap because resilience is one of those things it knows no boundaries it has no demographic parameters around it it affects all of us so we look forward to see you at the next event and look for a survey to come into your e-mail inbox so we can get some feedback from you and I want to take just a moment to thank her Alexander for her leadership in the office of institute diversity.

[01:25:03]
It's pearls a vision for how we're here today and her continued leadership her and Sheryl Cofield So thank you Sheryl for for everything that you do to build resilience across Georgia Tech thank you have a wonderful weekend everybody.